This one is just about some personal reflection. Skip it if you are looking for something funny or informative.. Like bricks, or Banana Growers. Otherwise bare with me while I just write down some stuff for no reason. The seasons are changing and the surf up here is starting to wind down. I missed some good wind swell while I was up in Mammoth over Easter and since I have been back. I had one pretty nice day at indicator, and another average day sitting inside a bit.. the rivermouth. 2 surfs in one week. maybe it was 3.. That is still about 4 short! This definitely is a problem. The surf feeds my soul..
Getting waves in the summer means driving. Now that I live in LC.. It is about 5 minutes closer to Oxnard or Ventura. That is about as far south as I like to go. And of course there is "the left" Not to mention some small usually crappy, waves in front of the house. Those can be a blast some times. Now that I live downstairs I can't see the surf in front of the house so I could be missing it right now! When I lived in Oxnard I would make the occasional trip to the Malibu area but.. otherwise I have a mental block which ends in Port Humneme. I love Jalama but it is a drive, gas is expensive, camp spots are hard to get, and face it, it's hit or miss there. Anyway pray for some continued west swell to bring me through spring and into summer. Please.
Really that's not why I am writing. It's been a little over two weeks since the huge fight with me wife that left us both hurt, and injured, and ready to finally give up. I've been going through a series of revelations ever since. Revelation 1 Wow.. I am really hurt by everything "I said" in the middle of the fight. The things she said were painful as well but what I said, was the most damaging to me. My wife is really sick of the fighting and ready to move on and maybe I should be too. But still there is something there. We both know. And that something is good, and fun, and playful. But really I want her to depend on me for anything. Something she has given up on..Revelation 2 This occurred to me when I was en route to Mammoth with my my daughters. They had a horoscope book and Sara was flipping through reading excepts on relationships, and general personality traits. Now while I have always believed you can hear whatever you want in those things and fit them into your life there is always some truth to these things. There is no doubt that I am stubborn as a bull! That is just fucking great! What am I supposed to do with that gift? Most of the time this just a huge personality flaw. Anyway.. combine that with some Bipolar Disorder and I can act quite childish at times. So.. it may appear to the casual observer that I am in fact a jerk!
Take for example one of my trips to Mammoth this year.. I let every one know as we hit the road.. We will be stopping in Mohave.. and Bishop.. for gas. Maybe dinner in Bishop. "It would be better if you just grab some food at the AMPM" I just want to get there, have a glass of wine, and wind down from what is a long trip with 6 people and a dog in the Syncro. But.. the restless passengers are getting hungry way earlier than that. This is when that stupid bull starts to rise above. I end up with all this anger, and frustration, because things are not going according to my plan. Practically ready to throw a tantrum. I stop anyway in Lone Pine for some Pizza but, I am being such a jerk, to my wife, and all the kids, mine, hers, J's friend. Arrrggg.. Told them I didn't want a pizza and ordered a sandwich instead as my final desperate childish act. That will teach them..
Wtf.. I couldn't give up my dream plan to enjoy a nice dinner with my family??? Madness! I really just wanted to say. I am so happy everyone is here on this trip with me and I love you all. But I was too mad.. Too Stubborn. So who's to blame. The stars! Them for not adhering to the plan, or me for not being flexible and just happy to be there.. I can't see anyone to blame but myself. I am just glad my wife let that outburst go and we ended up having a great trip. Revelation 3 I make myself mad. I thought they were making me mad. Duh..So I began reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz I have gotten through the first three, and number one is really the basis for the the other three so I will dwell on that for a moment. No wait! I will tell you the four agreements first.
1) Be impeccable with your word
2) Don't take anything personally
3) Don't make assumptions
4) Always do your best
"Be impeccable with your word" The definition of impeccable is: without sin, flawless, etc.. I thought I was being impeccable but, when I looked deeper I see I wasn't. I was throwing out so much poison in the form of words, carelessly, or intentionally, it didn't matter. Agreements were being made, by both parties. Accepted to be true. So now they are. I don't know how to fix this. Whats done is done but, I am sorry. Only today matters. People don't realize the power of their words or see the harm that can be caused with speaking carelessly, thoughtlessly or aggressively. I didn't. Man I speak so carelessly, and thoughtlessly, that I don't even remember what I said half the time. I can't even pinpoint when the conversation went from friendly banter to whatever it was that upset my wife, my kids, or my friends. Aggressively?? Look out! I am going to let that f- bomb fly and worse. Most of us are aware that screaming at someone may be upsetting to them, but subtle little digs at them, or gossip behind their backs, can hurt others more than we realize, and in hurting them, we hurt ourselves. It is those little digs that put a lot of poison into my relationship. Revelation 4 Words hurt more than I realized and I need to be a bit more thoughtful with what I want to say..Anyway.. Just acknowledging these things has somehow brought a new lightness to my personality or being. I feel it. And it feels good. This is a good way to be. Nothing has really changed.
4 comments:
I looked for a contact e-mail address for you, but didn't see one. People who are perfectly happy with themselves will probably think I'm nuts, but here goes:
Your wife is beautiful, and she loves you. She just doesn't love every thing you do. There's a difference between a person's "WHO" and their "DO". You may find fault with what a person does, but that doesn't mean you don't love who they are.
Your "DO" includes what you say. Words are containers for power. Once released, they're out there forever.
Sounds like you tend to be prideful and get very "stuck on your position". I was the same way for far too many years. I found out I can DECIDE how I want to react to a situation. Then, I ask God to help my heart to come around and line up with the decision I've made in my mind. Self control is one of the nine fruits of the spirit. It's a gift we receive, but it's up to us to develop it. Instead of automatically getting upset when things don't go my way (like I always did before), I try to look at the "offending" situation as an OPPORTUNITY to use and develop my patience, tolerance, self control, etc.
In a nutshell it comes down to "walking in love" with those around you, regardless of how they are behaving. We truly do reap what we sow. If you walk in love, mercy, understanding, and you are quick to forgive others, that is what will come back to you. It leads to peace of mind and joy in living. But, you have to walk in love ON PURPOSE. It doesn't come naturally to most of us.
The alternative, trying to change or control people, leads to misery. You cannot change anyone. No one can change you. We can only change ourselves, and we still need God's help to accomplish that.
Your "revelations" are a very good start. If you strive to always "come up higher" as a person, your life will be blessed and you will be a blessing to others. I found out that "know the truth and the truth will set you free" doesn't mean knowing the truth about others. It's knowing the truth about myself - honestly admitting my short comings and imperfections - that is setting me free and opening the door for improvement. I found out the greatest thing God could deliver me from was not particular people or specific situations. The greatest thing He could deliver me from was.......myself.
LC Local
I love everything you have to say here. I even read up on the nine fruits of the spirit. I couldn't find fault with any of those either. Very good gifts indeed. I always have trouble when the word God comes into play though.
I feel spiritual really. I consider myself a member of the church of mother earth and father sky but, I have never felt inclined to be a part of today's organized religions. Hmmm.. I suppose I believe in the great spirit.. I can let that pureness into my heart. I must admit that those "nine fruits" are the first thing I have ever read from the Bible and I found it very enlightening. I guess that's how I have felt lately is somewhat enlightened..
Also this is interesting part of your comment..
"Instead of automatically getting upset when things don't go my way (like I always did before), I try to look at the "offending" situation as an OPPORTUNITY to use and develop my patience, tolerance, self control, etc."
That brings me back to owning a retail store and how I learned that you could take an unhappy customer. Really mad, making a scene, possibly yelling, turning red, threatening.. and turn them into a customer for life.
Or you could become upset, defensive, put the blame back on them, and never see them again. I always looked to seize that opportunity because it was such a great feeling to have them turn the corner.. I don't think I have ever applied it to my regular life. But I can see that I should.
Thanks for your comment, it is much appreciated.
Don
Don,
I'm impressed that you took the initiative to look up the fruits of the spirit. I thought about listing them, but I was curious to see if you'd look them up.
In regard to religion......I'm not religious. I have a problem with organized religion and all the man made doctrines. IMO, religion is man's idea of God's expectations. However, I do have faith and my life has improved since I decided I wanted to learn about the character of God and develop a personal relationship with Him. BTW, He does answer prayers, sometimes instantly. But, that's another story.
I totally relate to your retail store experience. I didn't own the store, but I applied the same thought process as you did with unpleasant customers. I found satisfaction in seeing their disposition do a 180 before they left the store. Later, it was a little more challenging in the dental office. But, having a person who was afraid, or simply didn't want to be there at all, end up thanking me profusely and looking forward to coming back made us both very happy.
You are clearly a thoughtful and talented person. It's unfortunate some relatively insignificant, but persistent issues are getting in the way of your happiness. You and your wife can live together in harmony. You just need the "tools" to resolve the contentious issues quickly, and the willingness to do so. Keep seeking, and the door will be opened to you.
LC Local
Thanks. I appreciate your optimism. Take care..
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